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How to Survive an Episode of Supernatural

The Supernatural universe is not a very nice place to live. It’s crammed full of powerful, nasty creatures that either hate humans or enjoy them as dinner. Sure, there are hunters out there fighting the monsters, but they’re outnumbered, and a lot of hunters are more interested in killing the monster than saving the victim anyway. There’s not much use in looking for help from above, because in this version of reality, God isn’t really around and most angels hate humans as much as the next monster. (Your afterlife options aren’t great either, by the way.) However, should you ever find yourself trapped in this universe, there are a few things you can do to lessen your chances of dying a violent, early death. Here are some tips:

Keep industrial quantities of salt on hand at all times.

Store buckets of it in your bedroom, your basement, your garage, your car…everywhere. Don’t just lock your doors and windows at night, salt them. A few implements made of pure iron wouldn’t go amiss, either.

Move to a big city.

Not pictured: ghosts, demons, or the Apocalypse.

 

90 percent of all supernatural activity happens in small, out-of-the-way towns in the Midwest. Your chances of survival improve dramatically if you’re surrounded by skyscrapers. The salt precaution is still a good idea, though.

Better yet, don’t live in the U.S. at all!

Not pictured: anywhere outside the Lower Forty-Eight. 

 

 

If you live in a country other than America, you don’t need to worry about a thing. Demons, ghosts, vampires, and the like prefer to hang out in the states. You may meet a few witches in Europe, and okamis apparently live in Japan, but that’s about it.

Don’t make deals with demons.

Unless you want to play “fetch” with this.

 

No matter what they’re offering, it ain’t worth it. And by all that is holy, DO NOT DATE A DEMON. This should go without saying, but apparently some people (glares at Sam Winchester) need a reminder.

If one of your friends starts acting strange, beware.

“Strange” could be defined as “unusually homicidal.”

 

Memorize an exorcism immediately. Put them through the salt, holy water, and silver tests. Make them show you their teeth and gums. If they fail one of these tests, don’t hesitate to exorcise or kill them. Remember: vampires require decapitation, ghouls headshots, and a silver bullet in any vital area will kill a shapeshifter or werewolf.

If a loved one dies, have him/her cremated.

And don’t keep any locks of hair or other DNA samples “to remember them by.” Especially if he/she died as a result of you following that last tip.

Don’t hang out in abandoned buildings or old cemeteries.

Not a good place for a sleepover.

 

Especially alone, unarmed, and/or at night. If you’ve ever heard rumours that it might be haunted, there’s a good chance it is (or that it’s a gate to Hell or a monster lair). Wandering old, empty, run-down buildings is a sure-fire way to become a casualty of the first five minutes in a Supernatural episode.

And finally…

Avoid the Winchesters.

RUN.

 

Wherever those two are, trouble with a capital T is sure to follow–assuming it hasn’t already arrived. So just don’t go near them. A black ’67 Impala parked outside the seedy motel across the street is reason enough to pack your things and move to another state (or another country) immediately.

Follow these simple rules, and you’ll live happily ever after! Relatively speaking, that is. This is still Supernatural we’re talking about…

Namarie,
Aldy

 

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